Hi friend, how are you doing? It’s been a while. I hope you’re keeping safe and living well. Don’t forget that your dreams are valid and 2020 is still a great year. I wrote about few things you should discuss with your future spouse before saying I do, it’s important to communicate and get to know each other more. So enjoy the article and please drop your comments.
1) Background/traditional beliefs- This is One of the important things to discuss with your potential spouse as you both are coming from different backgrounds with different beliefs and ideologies. These are things that have deep roots in our minds and cannot be easily broken or compromised. So it’s important you start discussing them early and you can assess which ones you can compromise. For example, I grew up in a house where we rarely use devotionals for bible study, while my husband grew up in a house where they use devotionals . When we first got married I thought it was just a rigid way of communing with God but now we’ve allowed the Holy Spirit to lead us every morning on how he wants us to commune with him, it’s not a do or die affair to read a devotional.
You can see it’s very important to discuss this things especially the ones you can’t compromise on, this will ensure that they don’t become a source of conflict in the future.
2) Values & Beliefs- Individuals have different values and guiding principles they live by, its important to observe and also discuss your values with your potential spouse. For a marriage to work, you need to have similar values with your potential spouse. You cannot be an advocate for honesty and get married to someone who doesn’t see a big deal in lying once in a while, it will definitely cause conflict between the two individuals.
As a single lady I had deal breakers, these were values and beliefs I couldn’t compromise on and I had them written out so I don’t forget and let “love” cloud my judgement. In fact they were the things I looked out for first, so that we can avoid entanglement. So please discuss your values and beliefs, just in case you don’t know what your values are, I’ll advise you take time to study and know them before getting into a relationship. It’s important you know where you’re going before embarking on the journey.
3) Spiritual Beliefs- Hmmm, this one is very important. As much as it deals with spirituality, it’s one of the causes of separation in marriage. Discuss your spiritual beliefs, don’t leave anyone out, it will not benefit you if you marry someone that thinks “you’re too spiritual , you don’t know more than church”.I’m not saying you should be forming spiritual maturity or over righteousness, what I’m saying is marry someone who sees the importance of your relationship with God. Even if you both are not on the same level at least they should show the willingness to grow with you.
4) Finance/Savings- It’s important to discuss your sources of income, it helps you to know where you both stand financially. It will guide your spendings and how you plan to save, so you won’t get to the mall to buy something above your paycheck. Also you can discuss if you want to run a joint account and what purpose the account would serve. Money is another major problem in marriage, so discuss and pray about it.
5) Educational background & future educational pursuit- I want to emphasize this for ladies, I’m not been biased but please if you desire to have more academic/ professional pursuit in the future please discuss with your potential spouse to avoid conflict. Also men please discuss yours with your potential spouse too. This will help you both to understand each other more and plan better for your future, you both will have an agreement and a foresight of where you’re going.
6)Sexual Preferences- This one is super important, discuss your sexual fantasies and preferences with your future spouse. Please do not go deep into the conversation if your body will be doing “gish gish” but try to know what your future spouse expects. Don’t marry someone who want to turn upside down when you know you cannot turn left sef. It’s important you discuss, so that none of you will be sexually deprived.
7)Family Values, purpose & goals(vision & mission)- It’s important you discuss your family values, purpose and goals. What values will your family live by, what values will you instill in your children, what kind of family do you want to build, what’s the purpose your family is created to fulfill etc. These are the kind of questions you must ask each other and find answers to.
8) Career path- Discuss your career path with your future spouse, your ambitions, what heights you want to attain in your career pursuit etc
9) Number of Children & spacing – It’s important to discuss how many children you both want to have and within how many years you would like to have them. This will allow you both to be on the same page and plan towards the birth of your children.
10) Boundaries of friends and family – Discuss boundaries with your future spouse, let them know where you stand as regards your families and friends . Be truthful about your stand and find your middle ground.
11) Personal goals- I believe everyone has personal goals, dreams and desires they want to achieve. It could either be in career, education or business or personal growth. It’s important that you both know your personal goals so you can help each other grow.
12) Education of your children- It’s important to discuss your children’s education, the kind of school you want them to attend, would they be attending boarding school or not, the kind of association or friends you want them to have. Again, this will help you to plan and be on the same page.
13) Domestic chores & Food- I don’t believe in roles in marriage, I believe in teamwork but you need to know what your spouse believes in. Do they think some chores are for women and some for men or do they believe anyone can do any chore and they’re open to teamwork in keeping the house orderly.
14) Type of wedding you desire & honeymoon- It’s important to let your future spouse know what kind of wedding you desire and where you want to go for your honeymoon. Would you like to have a small intimate wedding or a big wedding, these are things you must clarify and you both must be on the same page.
15) Type of home you desire- What kind of home do you desire in terms of building , it’s okay to dream big so even if you can’t afford it yet you’ll be able to work towards it.
Discuss everything and anything that comes to mind, think of situation based questions and ask them randomly, you don’t need to set aside time. I believe the truth comes out more when questions are asked suddenly but most importantly do what suits you, just get results and in the midst of all these never stop praying for God to reveal the truth to you. Play your part and let God play his part , in other words put God first.
Discussing these things doesn’t guarantee a good marriage or that things won’t change in the future but it does give you some clarity about your spouse and your future together. Then you’ll know if you’ll dust your shoes and run or he/she is someone you can spend your life with.
I pray that no one will marry wrong in Jesus name.